Just To Feel Alive
by Ahmiri
Summary: Yuki only cuts himself for that certainty that he's alive. That's all. Until Tohru shows him a new way to find that feeling. Yukiru!


**So this one-shot may not appeal to very many people… but I wanted to write it and if I'm going to write it, I might as well post it too. The idea came after (this is ironic) one of my pet rats, Yuki no less, was crawling all over my arm and left these little scratches all over it. I can sort of see Yuki (the character not my rat) doing this. Sort of, so maybe you shouldn't take this too seriously. But it was fun to write and oh-so-angsty. I do love my angst. By the way, this is my first story as OfAmethystEyes with a title beyond one word! I mean… let's see… Sacrifice, Strangers, Worth, Haircut… Wow… four words is a step up. Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket or its characters. I make no profit from this work and all copyright goes to Natsuki Takaya.**

Shigure gave Yuki a critical look. "Isn't the school switching to summer uniforms today?"

Yuki straightened his necktie as best he could. He'd never been very good at that sort of thing. "They are."

"Then why are you still wearing the winter uniform?"

Yuki had no intention of giving him a straight answer. The truth was… the truth was he _needed_ the long sleeves. He couldn't wear short sleeves for a reason he wasn't about to tell Shigure. "It doesn't matter, I'm just cold today, that's all."

Tohru half skipped down the stairs, stopping with a confused look when she saw what Yuki was wearing. "Yuki-kun, shouldn't you have the summer uniform?"

"Damn rat," Kyo muttered. "What? Do you think you're better than the rest of us and can get away with everything?"

"No, I'm just cold today," he said, repeating the lie.

Lies seemed to surround him. Akito's lies had built him into something he'd never wanted to be. Something he was still struggling to free himself from. And recently, he'd been lying at home so Tohru wouldn't worry over him and because he knew he'd be ashamed if she found out the real reason for the long sleeves.

~Later that night~

Yuki sat at the kotatsu table. Waiting. He was searching for something to make him feel alive. A reminder that he existed in the world. The news played quietly, but no one was really watching it.

Tohru was sitting next to him, homework spread out before her. She chewed on her lip, squinting at the work in front of her.

She was having trouble understanding it, Yuki realized. There. A chance to help some one else and feel existent. "Honda-san, would you like some help?"

Tohru jumped, looking up at him in surprise. "Oh no, Yuki-kun. I'm fine. I think I have it now."

"Oh." Yuki glanced down at his hands, feeling the pull to what was hidden upstairs in his desk drawer. "I'll be in my room then. If you do want help, you can come get me."

Tohru looked a little disappointed that he was leaving, but she nodded and with a smile said that if she needed help she would be sure to get him.

Hoping she would ask him to stay, he went up the stairs slowly, waiting for her call out to him. She didn't. When he reached his room, he sat down at his desk waiting and praying for a soft knock at his door. Nothing. Silence.

All he wanted was proof that he was alive. Carefully, he rolled up the sleeve on his left arm, trying to ignore the criss-crossed lines from other nights like this. Some were mostly healed and some only half. He hated doing it, but afterwards he knew with utmost certainty that he was alive and breathing.

He took the utility razor out of his drawer, sliding the blade up out of the casing. With deliberate slowness, he cut a shallow slice into the flesh of his arm.

Alive.

OoOoO

Tohru silently walked into Yuki's room the next morning. She loved this part of her morning routine. Waking up Yuki was always something she looked forward to.

Usually, she liked to watch him sleep for few minutes; he always looked so peaceful. Her hands clasped behind her back, she watched him for a little while before she ventured closer to his bed, reaching out to gently shake him awake.

With a gasp, Tohru stopped mid-action. His left arm hung over the side of his bed and cuts new and old interrupted the flawless skin, some of them overlapping. A few of them hadn't even closed and begun healing. They had to have been from just last night.

Shocked, Tohru knelt next the bed to pick up his arm with gentle hands. Why would he continually hurt himself this way? Tears welled up in her eyes. Why? One of her tears fell, splashing onto Yuki's arm.

Perhaps it was salt from her tears falling into his cut skin, but Yuki blearily woke, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "Honda-san…?" Then, he realized what had happened. She'd seen. He sat up, taking his arm back. "It's nothing. I promise you, it's nothing," he said quickly. Suddenly ashamed, he hid his arm under the covers.

"But Yuki-kun—"

"No. It's nothing, like I said. Please, forget what you saw." Yuki had never wanted her to know about this particular habit of his. He'd only started a few months ago, but that feeling of knowing he was alive had become addicting. He _knew_ that he was alive where otherwise he would still be drifting through without the certainty. It was embarrassing, though, that he had to go to such lengths; lengths that he hadn't planned to ever tell Tohru about.

He watched in apprehension as Tohru wiped away her tears only to have them replaced by others. "Wait here." She got up, and was out the door in half a minute.

Yuki waited, wondering what she would think of him now. How would she treat him? Look at him? Speak with him? Act around him? Questions only answered with time pounded through his head until she returned with a round container of some kind of salve.

She reached for his arm and with some reluctance he gave it to her. Her fingers were light as she applied the ointment in silence. "Thank you," he said after she'd finished.

Her hands shook as she put the lid back on and set the tin aside. She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, confusion written across her face. "Yuki-kun… why?" She said it quietly with an undertone of sadness in her voice.

That she cared meant a lot to Yuki, but he didn't want to tell her. If she knew the reason she'd only distance herself more than she already would after this morning. Doing what he did just to feel alive was pathetic and he didn't want her to see him that way. "It's not important. It would be best if you simply forgot about it."

OoOoO

But she didn't forget about what she'd seen and going about life as normal was hard. She found herself looking for some sort of reason for Yuki's actions. Why would he cut himself? Why? She also couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be avoiding her and was even more quiet than usual.

She worried for him all day and during the walk home she could feel the silence spanning between them. She longed to say something. And the few times she found something to say he would one worded answers.

As she watched the wall build between them, she wanted to cry. Yuki was one of her closest and dearest friends and he was drifting away. What was worse was that recently she'd realized the simple feelings she felt towards him were not as simple as she had thought. Now it seemed that nothing would ever come of what she felt.

If only she could help him somehow. If only he would tell her why he hurt himself. If only she had the courage to say something about it to him.

After the walk home from school that afternoon, Tohru turned to Yuki opening her mouth to say something but he spoke first, not meeting her eyes. "I'll be at the secret base and probably won't back for supper."

Tohru couldn't let him go that easily. "I'll come with you!" She put a hand to her mouth, realizing that he might have wanted to go alone. "I- I mean, if you wouldn't mind."

He shook his head and they started off in more silence. Tohru nervously tangled and untangled her fingers for several minutes, trying to work up the courage to speak.

"Honda-san," Yuki said, his voice hesitant. "This morning you asked me why I would… hurt myself that way and I didn't tell you because I thought it might put more strain on our relationship, but maybe if I did tell you it would help rather than hurt it."

It was more than he'd said to her all day. Tohru was quick to answer. "I'll listen if you want to tell me. I do want to understand."

Yuki stopped walking, looking up at the sky and then down at her. "It's not because I'm trying to punish myself for anything or because I hate myself, although sometimes I do. I do it because otherwise I don't feel alive. The pain reminds me that I'm alive. It's not that I want to, but it works and I can know that I'm alive afterwards. That's all."

Tohru's hands fell limply to her side. He didn't feel alive? "But… but Yuki-kun, there are other ways to feel alive. There are! Doesn't your gardening help?"

He shook his head. "Not in the same way. I want to _feel_ my life as something real and tangible. A few plants won't do that for me."

"Please, may I try something?" Tohru heart was beating fast and furiously in her nervousness. She was never this bold, but if it would help Yuki then she would be.

"If you want to." Yuki looked unsure, but had consented none the less.

Putting her hands on his shoulders and rising up on her toes she pressed her lips against his. It took him a while to respond in his surprise, but soon their mouths moved in sync with each other, and his fingers softly trailed through her hair.

Tohru drew away, her heartbeat fluttering and a strange new elation filling her. "D- Do you feel alive?"

Shocked and unsure how to put to words all the things he'd felt during their kiss, Yuki nodded. "I did. Honda-san… thank you." The minute she'd kissed him he'd felt it. Alive. Complete. Present. Loved. So many things that he'd never had from the cut of a knife.

"Whenever you need to feel alive again let me help. I don't want to see you… some one that I love hurt. Okay?" She looked at him so sincerely and with such determination that Yuki could only stare at her in shocked silence. "You won't cut yourself anymore?"

She'd said that she loved him. Why would she say something like that? "H- Honda-san? You love me?"

Tohru's face darkened when she realized exactly what she'd said. "I-! I mean… Y- Yes, I do. That's why I'm worried about you." She blushed just a little deeper and then looked back up at him, repeating her earlier question. "You won't cut yourself anymore, then?"

Yuki didn't answer her right away, not really knowing the answer to her question. It was both habit and necessity; something he desired but yet hated to do. If he said yes, it would be a lie since he wasn't sure he could go without it just yet. But if he said no, she might blame herself and it would worry her. "I can't promise that," he said finally.

He would feel like a pervert if he took Tohru up on her offer and went to her whenever he needed that certainty of life. He couldn't do that, no matter how much he longed to or preferred the loving awakening to the painful one. If he had only taken that opportunity to tell her that he loved her too.

But he hadn't, and it was too late now.

OoOoO

~Two days later~

Yuki found himself wanting to hide behind the closed door of his room to find that feeling of life. He'd wanted to all day, but had held back for Tohru. She'd spent an unusual amount of time with him ever since that day, always trying to keep him busy and active. He didn't want to worry her or make her feel the slightest bit guilty, so he waited until the time when he usually went to bed before he allowed himself to take the razor out of his drawer.

He didn't want this. If only he'd told Tohru how he felt, he wouldn't have to resort to this. As always, though, he'd been two minutes too late. He couldn't hope to find another chance.

He brushed the thoughts of her away, forcing himself to cut into the skin of his arm and wincing in pain. Blood beaded in the cut, a few drops trickling over. Alive. If he had nothing else in this world, he had that. He was alive.

_"I don't want to see you… some one I love hurt. Okay?"_

Tears filled his eyes. She wouldn't want him to do this. So why was he? It was all he had left; his only option.

_"Whenever you need to feel alive again let me help."_

No. There was another way. He could still tell her how he felt. He wouldn't have to put himself through this pain to reach what everyone else already had. He could feel alive without the pain. But… but he couldn't ask that of her. The cold metal casing of the razor still clenched in his hand, he let his head fall to the desk.

_"You won't cut yourself anymore, then?"_

"Honda-san," he whispered through tears. "I'm sorry." Yuki picked himself up off the desk, setting the tip of the blade against his skin only to withdraw the moment it pricked him. "What am I _doing_?"

Before he could think twice, he was at Tohru's door and softly calling her name. "Honda-san? Are you still awake?"

The door slid open a few seconds later. "Yuki-kun, are you all right? Is something wrong?"

"I- I love you."

Tohru blushed and tried to form a response, but could only stutter. "Wh- What?"

Yuki continued, afraid that he would lose the sudden nerve he had found, "I should have said so that day. I'm sorry." He brought out the razor, its blade sheathed. "I won't cut myself anymore. I promise."

Tohru looked so relieved in that moment that Yuki wondered why he hadn't done this earlier. "Yuki-kun… I… that's wonderful."

He held out the hand that held the razor. "Take it. Please. I wouldn't be able to get rid of it myself."

She looked surprised by the weight of it when she reluctantly took it from him. "I'll help you, Yuki-kun. If there's anything you need, I'll always be here."

Using the last ounce of nerve he had left, Yuki leaned forward and kissed her lovingly on the cheek, close to her ear. "Thank you for caring about me, Honda-san."

Tohru shifted her head so that his lips would find hers. Yuki was a little surprised by the gesture, but his response was immediate and his hands cupped her face as he kissed her in return.

Alive.

**Thoughts? Please leave a few words in a review! Anonymous reviews are accepted, although signed reviews will get a message in response. (I can't respond to reviews left anonymously.) Please let me know what you thought! …Please?**


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